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How to leave your husband

Though the impulse to flee immediately may be strong, patience and quiet financial planning will pay in the long run.

By MP Dunleavey

Your marriage is crumbling, and you know it. You dread staying another minute. How do you leave?

Slowly, carefully and counting every dime, says Violet Woodhouse, a divorce lawyer in Newport Beach, Calif.

"When the emotional drive to leave is so strong that you just want out, you need to step back," Woodhouse says. "You're not being rational at that point, and it can damage you financially."

Take the time -- two to six months -- to plan an exit strategy that will protect your financial security. Surviving divorce is misery enough; you don't want to suffer unnecessary financial hardship on top of it.
Beat the odds
Woodhouse remembers a client who came to her hoping to leave her husband immediately. "She wanted to file then and there," says Woodhouse, the author of "Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Decisions During Divorce.""I told her that made no sense. She had two kids to think about. I said she had a lot more work to do."

* Readers talk: What would you have done differently?

Like Woodhouse's client, many women are so upset that it's difficult for them to make their financial well-being the priority it should be. That's one reason for this sobering statistic: After a divorce, a woman's standard of living is likely to drop by more than one-fourth -- 27% -- according to a landmark study in 1996 by Richard Peterson, then a sociologist at the Social Science Research Council in New York.

Other factors:

* If you're one of the country's 5.4 million stay-at-home mothers, you face the additional hurdles of re-entering the work force, paying for child care and assuming other family expenses on your own.

* Many women rely on their partners to run the money, so they lack basic financial skills, Woodhouse notes. "If the writing is on the wall and you haven't been involved in your financial life, you need to get involved now."

Prepare quietly
Here's what to do:

Keep it to yourself. In a pre-divorce situation, there is a fine line between deception and self-preservation. Though you may intend to leave, Woodhouse cautions against telling your spouse before you are prepared. "It would create a great deal of turmoil," she says.